Day 24

Zero day at Rae Lakes

It was cold this morning, but the lake and the sun were so pretty I wanted to get out of my tent. I grabbed my sleeping bag, tent foot print, bear can and found a spot on the rock to have breakfast.

I was heating my water digging through my bear can for coffee and counted two days worth. Poop. I have three mornings including today. Next to the coffee was a packet I picked up at MTR labels – mushroom soup. Maybe I’d do the soup course for the morning.

It was the most amazing thing I have put in my body. Salty, savoury and warm… I really would do soup for breakfast from now on. It was wonderful. I put on my list of things I wanted was liquid trays and a dehydrator that could do soup well. I also formed a plan to post on the “Ladies of the JMT” Facebook group to see if I could find the person who made this and get the recipe. This was the most glorious thing I could have imagined waking up to.

After my soup, Rose came by to say goodbye. I told her I enjoyed getting to know her, wished her luck on her mission and for thoughts as she planned her next steps.

Then I had the whole camp area to myself.

The zero day ended up being the most mentally tough day I’ve had.

It’s a lot of effort to be still and to just sit. I found myself envious of the professor’s ability to sit on that lot and stare out in space. By 8AM I was antsy to do something. Instead I marked this as a challenge and tried to keep still and stay in place.

Quieting my heart and mind has been a struggle without the distraction of hiking. I found myself wishing to fall asleep and waking up for the next day.

Curious why it’s so painful to sit still.

“Be still and know that I am God”

I read somewhere the “be still” is better translated to “let go.”

I wonder what I need to let go of to be able to enjoy this stillness rather than feel it as painful and need to escape from it.

Psalm 139 is one I’ve been working to memorise.

“Lord search me and know me.

You know when I stand up or sit down.

You understand my thoughts from far away.

You observe my travels and my rest.”

Dear lord,

Help quiet my mind and the spirit of striving so I may let go and let you be God.

Let me absorb the loveliness of this place, trust my life and friends back home will still be there when I get back, but with stories to share and to enjoy this time with you. Help me stay present. To meditate on you, your creation and how I move in the world. The sky is yours. The trees are yours. The trout that I am suspicious that the NPS put in the lake … were yours first. The deer that is covering my trekking poles are yours. I am yours. Let my mind and my meditations be pleasing to you.

“Let my meditations be pleasing to you.” I began to read Psalm 104. That may be my next one to memorize.

The rest of the day was a mix of trying to stay still, getting in the lake, out of the lake, in the sun, out of the tent, in the tent etc. I just spent a lot of the time trying to notice but also to be kind to myself when I couldn’t hold focus.

When I was a kid, I was slow.

Always lagging behind. Always dreamy.

I wanted to go back to that kid and let her just … be.

You are welcome to be wiggly.

To not have purpose.

To just notice things, like little white flowers that are blooming next to the tent.

That adult Larissa can delight in those things with you, simply because you noticed them. She will be curious why they caught your notice… and together we can show God, who delights in the small and the big.

By the time the sunset came, although I didn’t do a single mile. I was exhausted.