Sharing

This trip I’ve started to notice the anxiety that I am having that I am not getting enough posts out or that my revelations are coming out jumbled.

This morning while listening to “New Wine” (Hillsong) and praying Psalm 91:4 two memories came up.

The first is my first solo backpacking trip, where I had stopped to watch the sunrise on a beach in Monterrey. I was so concerned with capturing the sunrise, I almost missed a Humpback Whale coming onto the shore to exfoliate himself.

As I was holding my camera hoping that I had gotten it on the Instagram Live feed… he slipped away. When I looked down… the camera wasn’t recording any of it. I was instantly disappointed and peevish until I heard a voice (unsure if it was audible or in my head but it sounded audible), “Larissa. Some things are only meant for you.”

Almost a year later, on the Bethany Wilderness Vision Quest trip (where we fasted, had no technology on us, were silent and solo). I was sitting on a log reflecting on my life when a Golden Bird of some sort sat almost in front of me chirping. I wanted my phone again to capture it so I could share it and was irritated I didn’t have it on me. Then a voice similar to the one a year prior, “Larissa. Don’t you trust that I have enough good things for everyone else? Just enjoy what I have just for you. It’s just for you.”

Even writing that now I’m tearing up.

I can’t comprehend a Father that wants to give me gifts for me to enjoy … that He would think of me so much to see an experience and say, “I think Larissa would uniquely love to see this.” Not only He finds me deserving but He wanted to do it.

Then, if that isn’t enough for me to process… that He made it so I don’t have to share it with anyone else. It’s my gift. My reminder of His love. I am unique to Him, not just a conduit for things to be dispensed through.

That wrecks me.

It’s not that sharing is wrong. Good things in the wrong place can be harmful. I think for me it’s been ingrained in me that I am only worth receiving good things to if it somehow benefits others. I know cognitively that God blesses us so we in turn can bless others, but that’s not how my body feels is right. I have to remind myself that it is actually not theological correct that it’s better to Give than the Receive. What is correct is that we have to receive from the Father first before we have hope of passing on goodness to others (Otherwise we just pass on echoes of goodness, shallow or hollow desires rather than deep, soul healing, resurrection power ones).

I have to remind myself that God’s character is one of abundance. He multiplied the loaves. He gives places that are over flowing. It’s not only good enough to heal, but He brings back the dead. Our God is one of extravagance. So when I feel anxious or that it’s a feeling of scarcity… I know I’m sharing/giving from an empty vessel, rather than one that has God’s love already in it. The image of a broken cistern from Israel popped into mind vs the beautiful flowing living water I’m listening to right now.

So, I’m going to take a step back and give myself permission to enjoy this experience. Hopefully if there is extra, I can share 🙂

Lord, thank you for loving me… especially when I don’t feel lovable and are resorting to old patterns of earning love. May Michah 7:18 move through my heart today as I rest in the fact that I am your beloved daughter and you desire good things for me. In Jesus, your son and my brother’s name … I love you.

Side note: I don’t think sharing is bad. I think it’s actually very biblical to do so. I just think compulsively sharing (like compulsively hoarding) is a sign of brokenness.