Day 0

Today is the day.

I woke up to messages of encouragement and prayers from dear friends about protection and well wishes. It was truly one of the sweetest ways to begin my day.

I left the house in Tacoma at 4:45am. Ryan drove me and brought Keiko. After a quick goodbye and watching Keiko’s ears through the tinted passenger side window of Ryan’s car drive out of site… the reality that this is starting began to solidify.

I headed inside and went to wrap my backpack. Alaska Air is probably used to backpackers coming though the Seattle airport, so they have a wrapping station by the bag-drop off kiosk. I took care of most of the prep the night before (duct taping my pole tips, putting liquids in a plastic bag, removing lighters, my puffy, external battery pack and pulled out my summit pack to be my carry on). When I got to the wrapping station, the only steps left was to to tape down my trekking poles into a tight position along side of the pack’s frame and put the pack in a protective plastic bag with a zip tie. Then, I need to tag it with a bag tag and send it on it’s way.

Admittedly, it was a bit nerve wracking to watch my future life get carried away by a conveyer belt as I grabbed my boarding pass and ID to go through security. I have to give Alaska a lot of credit. Out of all the airlines I’d trust to deliver my bag… they would be the one (if it was Spirit or United they would have to pry my pack out of my gripped, yelling hands) I have the most confidence in.

My flight is Seattle to Fresno direct. Once I land, I need to pick up my bag and head to the Yosemite shuttle service. It’s a direct shuttle from the airport that takes you to Yosemite for $16. https://yarts.com/routes-and-schedules/fresno-madera-yosemite-valley/ It includes the park admission and a single night at the backpackers camp (an amazing deal since admission is generally $25). Once I get to the park, my job for the day is to pick up my permit, set up my tent at the backpackers camp, get a fuel canister, eat lunch/dinner and find webbing for my half dome hasty harness (I had forgotten to pack that and didn’t realize until I was standing in the TSA precheck).

While sitting in the Seattle airport and after going through a lot of tactical things, holding my mail, scheduling rent payments, writing goodbye email to my job, out of office replies, last minute texts… I came to observe that I was using the tactical things to help me stave off feelings of nervousness.

I am not someone that generally enjoys to-do lists but if you make me nervous… I’ll crank through one like it’s my job. As I aggressively started deleting tasks, I felt the gentle prompting of the spirit to let go of the list and pay attention to what was happening. “I want to spend time with you…” is the quiet voice that came to mind. This phrase and that voice is the same one that I keep hearing when I think about this trip.

So I sat back.

This time at the airport feels so familiar. The check in process, walking through security, going to the bathroom and grabbing a Starbucks coffee prior to going to the gate… all activities I’ve done numerous times. I’ve flown through on Alaska’s Terminal C Seattle Tacoma Airport probably more than I’ve gone to the doctor, dentist and pharmacy combined. Whether it be business trips, going to see family, flying to meet friends for a bachelorette, shower or wedding… each of those times have honed my airport traveling skills to be second nature. It’s all so familiar.

Yet, it’s different this time.

This time, the only reason why I am at the airport is because it’s something I want to do. There is no prior commitment or anyone to let down. It’s just me.

After getting on the plane and reflecting I realized the statement, “There is no prior commitment or anyone to let down.” Isn’t totally true. I should adjust what I wrote to, “There’s no prior commitment to anyone else.” In a lot of ways, this trip is a commitment to myself and to use this time to spend with God. As I realized that, I became immensely proud of how far my healing journey has come.

For a lot of my life, just because I wanted to do something … that reason wasn’t enough. I felt as if I needed to find additional, loftier reasons to do something my heart felt called to. If I did something just for the sake that I desired to… I was at risk of being selfish. Today, sitting on the plane, I realize that keeping a promise to myself is just as (if not more) important than to keeping one to friends, family/ work. It is enough of a reason that I want this. No justification needed.

Once I landed in Fresno, I had to collect my bag. Thankfully the bag was one of the first ones off the belt, but because I packed my pocket knife in the bag, it took me about ten additional minutes to cut into and unwrap the plastic. I did a pretty good job of protecting the bag (I used two bags), but I made a critical error in how I packed my poles.

I had planned to use my poles as additional reinforcement for my bag’s curved frame. Good idea in concept, but the poles were just a little too long and the airline luggage processing system let me know that. After calming myself down and (texting Ryan to complain and get moral support), I reasoned that Yosemite with its climbing community must have some sort of outdoors store inside of its boundaries. I’d find the store, buy new poles after picking up my permit and mail home the broken ones. I had all day.

The shuttle arrived promptly at the 11:15 mark and I was on my way in an air conditioned, power outlet, bathroom included luxury coach. Those of you that went to school with me at Lakenheath… this bus is was fancier than the ones we took to school :-).

The shuttle bus takes about an hour and a half with multiple stops. I had originally planned to sleep the entire time, but Katie and I started to text.

Katie, has become one of my dearest friends over the time that I have been living in Seattle. On Wednesday (the 24th) she is eloping with Josh on Sahale Mountain. As we began talking about the wedding and her preparations … I started to tear up a lot. Katie and I met after terrible-heart-crushing breakups. Each of us has had our own battles to trust the Lord in this space and we have been walking with each other through the process. Watching her meet Josh, battle old memories that was holding her back and their relationship progress… has been like watching an performance artist do their art on front of me. I can see God moving in each of them individually and how God is moving with them as a couple. How much I loved both of them and then in return how much I loved God for being who He was beginning to overwhelm me. Then, the shuttle entered Yosemite and I saw Half Dome… and it pushed me over. The Lord is so Good. This trip, my friends finding one another, these mountains on display … all for the Glory of the Father who I was spending all of this alone time with. I couldn’t even (which means letting out an external sob and having a few of the bus riders turn around and look at me).

Luckily the ride down the valley was long enough I was able to compose myself… say a few more Hallelujahs and get off the bus to grab my permit.

The permit process was quick. Since Josh, Katie and I came in February (for the Firefalls) I knew where to go and was able to bypass the visitor center. It as business as usual, but helped with the fact I already had my permit ID number ready.

• Ranger asked me which Bear Canister I had and what unique attributes about the canister I needed to take into consideration. This was a hard question since I am borrowing Ryan’s BV500 right now (the answer was to not put deet spray where it can leak since it will potentially melt the plastic). She let me know if I couldn’t fit all of my first aid kit, toiletries and food then I would need to risk sleeping with it. That way if a bear wanted it… it would have to wake me up first (That made me wish I had paid the $375 for the Bearikade Expedition).
• She wanted me to walk her through how to choose a camp site. Then she showed me where I was allowed to and not allowed to camp.
• Then she asked me how I pooped in the woods and my plan for toilet paper. (Dig a hole 8 inches deep, 100-200 ft away from water sources or trails and pack out all toilet paper).
• She confirmed my Half Dome Permit and I paid the $10.
• She walked me through staying at Little Yosemite Valley.
• I confirmed with her that there was no shuttle to Glacier Point (where my permit starts) and she suggested I make a sign and hitchhike.
• Lastly she handed me a wag bag for Mt. Whitney. There are no toilets there and rangers will be checking I have it with me.

Afterwards I headed to the Mountain Store to get my replacement poles. While I was there one of the sales associates asked me if he could see my poles. He had a hunch he could fix them and they would be way cheaper than the $139 duplicate version of the poles I already owned. I gladly handed them over. Turns out … he is a genius. He grabbed Leki replacement tips (the whole assembly is removable) and put them on my Black Diamond poles. They went and found me free snow baskets someone left behind… so I didn’t have to buy new ones. Now my poles are functional and it only cost me $25! I picked up my fuel canister and then headed out to find the backpacker’s camp.

The backpackers camp is a place in Yosemite Valley that you are allowed to stay one day before your permit and one day after. Since my permit started on the 23, I could spend the 22 there. It costs $6 in cash and you are supposed to find an open spot and sleep there. I ran into a little bit of an issue when I found a wide open spot and a couple who was 10 feet away asked me to move. I was too close to the camp they already claimed. Understandably they wanted privacy and their own camp site… but there wasn’t a lot of spaces left (I looked at one that was in the middle of several men, one by the bathroom (and smelled like it), one where a bear had been removed earlier in the day and one that was on a slope). After listening to them, I decided to stand my ground. I promised to be quiet but I didn’t see any viable option where I felt safe. Turns out they were also JMT hikers and once I shared I was one … the tone changed. It would be awkward to keep running into each other on the trail. We separated and went our respective 10 feet… and I felt resentful about the whole issue. I was following the rules and it was the best spot for me. I also felt that I was being unfairly attacked, there was a spirit in me of resentment and a desire to make this couple realize how they made me feel undesirable. So, I decided to walk back to Curry Village (where the gear store was) and get myself a cheeseburger and sprite.

At the end of it, I felt better and realized that no matter how high I may feel previous there is still a very small and wounded little girl inside of me that needs comfort and to feel welcomed. Once that thought came to mind, I was able to direct my thoughts towards God’s name- the comforter. I came back to the camp in peaceful spirits, picked up my phone to journal and went to sleep.